Blind
by Grungestar
Summary: Songfic. This is a songfic based on a Lifehouse song for JackEnnis.


Blind

Authors Note: This is a movie filler – for Brokeback Mountain. I love this song, and every time I hear it I think of Jack and Ennis.

_I was young but I wasn't naieve  
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave_

" Don't you turn around on me, Jack Fuckin' twist!" Ennis called to him as Jack made his way back to the truck. They had parked, as they always did outside of a bed and breakfast. The lights were on a dull glow, as Ennis' cigarette hang from his mouth, his eyes narrowed as he watched Jack go to the doorway of the motel.

" _not to worry Ennis" _ Jack thought bitterly, turning back and looking directly into the lights of his pick up truck. " _I'll be comin' back eventually…"_ he groaned, opened the door and stepped inside.

It smelled like sex. Lots of sex, a bit more than what they usually had when they had time alone. The sheets reeked of him, his strong musky scent clung to bed sheets, to the table, to the shower curtain. Every corner Jack went into he, he could smell him.

"_Yeah, that'd be right"_ he thought, looking down to the floor to see a used condom on Ennis' side of the bed. " _Dirty old bastard"_ he thought, picking it up he tossed it into the trash.

Ennis was always worried about leaving things around, not Jack. Jack didn't mind that people knew he slept with men, he had been dealing with those kinds of quips all his life. It was weird for him, to be infatuated with Ennis, when all Ennis ever spoke about was Alma and the girls.

He had a family too, he just didn't want to talk about them, not when Ennis' hot, moist lips were pressed hard against his back, or when Ennis begged him to come in his mouth at the last point of orgasm.

"_Just not something I wanna' 'ere, Ennis, aight? I come to talk to you, to fuck you. Not your family's problems…" _he grunted, as he pocketed the thing he was looking for, and went back outside to the pick up truck, where a slow drag of smoke escaped the driver's side window.

He always had to drive. He always had to be in control.

_and still I have the pain I have to carry  
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried_

Ennis watched Jack come strolling out of the motel room, his jacket hanging loosely over his right shoulder, his hat tilted sideways. Even at night time Jack was wearing his cowboy hat. Ennis sighed deeply, as Jack climbed into the truck, slamming the door.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jack" Ennis said in a low, raspy voice, " You wanna alert the neighbourhood?"

Jack looked at Ennis, his face half covered by darkness as he reversed the car, making a horrible screeching noise.

"You're one to talk" Jack said, smugly. " I thought you didn't leave presents behind?"

" What d'ya mean, presents?" Ennis asked, obviously he forgot what he did, Jack thought. Jack smirked.

" I thought you didn't want people knowin' you sleep with men, Ennis Del Mar" Jack smiled, looking at Ennis, trying to coax a small smirk, or a wink or even, if he was lucky, a laugh. No such thing. Ennis just coughed and muttered something, turning the radio's dial up.

_after all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
never thought we'd be here_

The old familiar sighting of Brokeback passed the rearview mirror of Ennis' pick up truck as he went screaming past to go and collect Jack from the nearest bus stop. His wife, though Jack never let on about their relationship, seemed not to make a big deal of his trips to Wyoming. He wondered, though as he pulled up and saw the familiar cowboy hat tilt slightly in his direction when he parked, that it was more than that. An issue, he knew he should confront Jack about, but the problem was, he thought, when the door slammed and Jack immediately went in for a kiss, he knew he couldn't say anything either.

He wasn't exactly a role model for honesty in relationships.

" Jack Twist" Ennis broke the kiss off, and hugged Jack tightly. His clothes was loser, he thought as he pulled him really tight against him.

"Ennis" Jack acknowledged, lounging back in the seat. Jack turned slightly, and noticed the fishing rods sticking up in the back of the truck.

" I didn't know you fished, Ennis?" Jack said cheekily, grinning as Ennis slapped the side of his head playfully.

" Yeah, well… we got to keep the act up, don't we? Don't want Alma thinking twice…"

"_Right"_ Jack thought, " _We wouldn't want that"_

_when my love for you was blind  
but I couldn't make you see it  
couldn't make you see it_

The scenary around their campsite was always beautiful. The lucious green gass, the high and rugged mountains. It felt like a second home to Ennis, but always a first for Jack. As soon as Ennis body emerged from the tent, Jack tackled him to the ground. Instead of pushing him off and fighting him, Ennis wrapped his arms around him, kissing him playfully. Ennis was himself, and most content. Which was why it bothered Jack that Ennis never showed that at all.

Not once, not ever. Especially around other people.

"Ennis" Jack said softly as Ennis' arms slipped around his waist, as they cuddled closely together in the tent.

"Jack" Ennis said his name, and Jack couldn't help but smile a little.

"…You still thinkin' we're wrong together?" Jack blurted out the words, at a rapid rate. Ennis blinked a few times, grunted tried to turn over, but Jack insisted by touching his cheek.

" Ennis, please" Jack said, almost tearily, " I know its risky, but… I'd drop everythin' to be with you"

Ennis sighed deeply. "_Not this conversation"_ he thought.

"How may times, Jack… are we gonna go through this? You've got … your wife and I've got mine"

" Oh and you're so happy together…" Jack retorted angrilly, dropping his hand from Ennis' cheek.

"… like you are with your missues, no different" Ennis felt a sting to his chest at that point.

"… That's why we should…. Move on, with each other" Jack said the words as fragments, kind of hoping Ennis would nod and smile and applaud that decision. On the other hand, this was Ennis.

" … Yeah, great fuckin' idea, Jack" Ennis sighed, " I got two growin' girls I got to provide for. You've got your boy at home … your family in Texas… I can't offer much"

" What's this about offerin'?" Jack said heatedly, " Like I want anythin' you got, Ennis"

Ennis grunted, " Fine then maybe we should stop doing this…" He pulled away from Jack so quickly, the tent almost toppled on them.

"Or maybe you should get some balls, Ennis" Jack kept saying his name in a whisper. Ennis turned to look at him.

" You've got to let me work this out, Jack" Ennis mumbled, " Its different. Your comfortable' I'm not, I'm…"

" I know you're scared, Ennis" Jack sighed, as Ennis scrambled out of the tent, to his feet. He was standing in just boxers, as the wind whipped around them, causing him to shiver.

" You know that do you?" Ennis said mockingly,

" Of course. If you were prepared to love me you wouldn't be hiding it away, hiding me away"

" Jack Twist, do you have any idea what you're sayin?" Ennis said angrilly, " Your actin' like I'm some kind of a prom date who didn't pick yer up in his truck!"

" Well am I the prom date, Ennis? The one you forget to tell your folks about…"

" Oh come on now" Ennis sighed, feeling tired and angry.

" Don't you forget, you didn't want to come live with me, you wanted to stay.. in the towns…."

" You want to stay in Texas!" Ennis said flustered, " How am I gunna get to Texas?"

" I don't know, Ennis. Don't seem you tried, have you?"

Ennis and Jack stared at each other, the discontent and anguish filled both their eyes. The dread and the fear was overshadowed but the hurt the anger of knowing that they shouldn't be like this at all.

_  
that I loved you more than you'll ever know_

_a part of me died when I let you go_

" I say we wait a while… and come back to it" Jack said it first, he knew Ennis was thinking the same.

" We got… I got to go now, Jack" Ennis made his excuse, the one Jack could name almost every time – Alma needs him at home, one or both the girls are sick, he's got long hours at work the next day. He sighed.

" All right, All right. I'm comin' Ennis" He groaned, it was really about time they took two trucks up to Brokeback, he was sick of riding home empty handed, yet he knew, Ennis felt the same.

_  
_

_I would fall asleep  
only in hopes of dreaming  
that everything would be like is was before_

" Ennis?" a soft feminine voice roused Ennis from his sleep. His eyes slowly opened, and he was staring into Alma's almond shaped eyes.

"…. Mm, what?" he muttered, trying to go back to sleep. He felt a sudden tug on his sheets from the foot of the bed, he turned and looked at his daughters, who were both smiling and laughing. They were holding something.

"What's that, darlin's?" he asked, sitting up.

"Happy Birthday, Daddy!" they shouted, and they put the present on the bed.

Ennis rubbed his eyes and looked at Alma, who was smiling at him.

"Go on, Open it" she urged, and Ennis pulled it slowly towards him.

He untied the strings, and the package fell apart. On his bed lay some socks, a book and some fishing tackle. He looked over at Alma, and then to his girls.

"Aww, that's sweet of you" He said, forcing a happy tone, as Alma hugged him, and the girls aswell. He kept staring at the tackle, and hooks. One he noticed on closer inspection had been bent into a shape of a wonky heart. His own sank down amongst the bed sheets. He knew where he wanted to be. He just didn't know how to get there.

_but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting  
_

"Good Morning, Jack. I see you slept well" Lureen's voice rang through Jack's ears as he slipped into the kitchen for a mug of coffee.

" Any mail for me today?" Jack asked, hoping Ennis at least remembered where to write too if he couldn't visit him.

" Only the bills, Jack" she uttered, in a monotone voice.

" I see" Jack paused looking at the pile of open letters on the desk. Something familiar caught his eye as he turned to look at Lureen, who was writing hurridly at the desk.

" Where's my son?" Jack asked her, and she sighed, lifting her head slightly to look at him.

" School, Jack. He's at school" she said flatly, returning to writing as Jack made his way to the pile of letters.

There amongst them was a postcard. He picked it up and sure enough, the sender was none other than Ennis.

"When did you get this?" he asked Lureen, who was looking flustered, as she dropped her pen.

" A day or so…" she uttered, as Jack read the date over.

" A day? Try a month Lureen!" he exploded, he had had enough. If it wasn't her father, it was her. Always the two of them trying to run his life.

"I'm sorry, but maybe you should focus on other things. Like your job, like your family. Instead of your fishin' trips. You've got to earn your holidays Jack, it just seems you think you get everythin' for free"

" Is this about me tellin' your daddy off at the dinner table the other night? I thought you'd be happy I did it"

" … I was and its not" she said angrilly, feeling the tension rise between them she got up from her seat, and went over to Jack, whose arms were crossed, his eyes like steel.

" I met you as a rodeo cowboy, Jack. Remember? You weren't offerin' much except the clothes off your back. You've got your life with us in Texas, don't you forget that if it weren't for me, you'd be bucking bulls…."

Jack groaned. Maybe he wanted that still. Maybe he wanted to be a rodeo cowboy. That way, it wouldn't matter if he got hurt or not. It wouldn't matter to him. Nothing mattered anymore. Not without Ennis.

_they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor_

" All right, Lureen" he said softly. " I'll work for my keep, but I'm seeing Jack in a few months, all right? We got to keep our trips up, it's important"

Lureen sighed, patted his shoulder in a motherly gesture and walked away. Jack when she was gone fell to his knees, and cried. Cried so hard a river could've formed right in the lounge around him, sweeping him away.

_**15 YEARS LATER**_

" Jack Fuckin' Twist" Ennis slurred over a bottle of whiskey as he saw the familiar pick up truck pass the local bar, Ennis twisting slightly in his chair to watch it go past. It had been a while. A messy divorce, a failed relationship with another woman, and the continual spin cycle he had with Jack.

It had been sparing, the time they had spent together. When he had that familiar sound ease into the driveway of Joe Aguirre's, he knew that he was heading out to Brokeback. His heart begin to race as he pulled up, and they both looked at each other, out the corner of their windows.

" Why you askin' didn't he say he didn't want you out there anymore?" Ennis shouted to Jack, as Jack hopped out of his ute.

" Thought I make an effort to get paid this time, Ennis" Jack said, lowly. " I didn't know you were going to be comin' up round here…"

" Same to you" Ennis slouch was more prominent as he came towards Jack. Jack leaned up agianst the side of the truck, as the once soft, smooth hands of Ennis' glided to his waist.

" What you doing?" Jack asked him, Ennis looked into his eyes. Expecting him to know.

" Not anymore, Ennis. Not anymore" Jack muttered, and pushed him away.

_after all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
never thought we'd be here_

" Just how you got the job, is what I'd like to know" Jack said angrilly as Ennis truck pulled up beside his. The lake was shimmering, the echoes of the birds singing through the trees. It was so peaceful, yet now, with the rage that Jack was feeling towards his old lover, the way Ennis seemingly eased back into his life after disappearing for so long out of it, he had enough.

_when my love for you was blind  
but I couldn't make you see it  
couldn't make you see it_

" What's wrong with you, Jack? You're not going to talk to me while we're up here, is that it?"

" Pretty much, Ennis" Jack retorted, calmly. " I see no reason to talk to you at all"

Ennis gulped. He stared at Jack, but Jack continued to stare out towards the mountains, refusing to remove his belongings from his truck.

"Fine then, you set up your own god damn tent" Ennis bickered, grabbing his bag as it slid to the floor.

" You don't get it do you?" Jack said softly, " You just don't get it!"

" Get what, Jack Twist! Get what! You're actin' like a trap, step near yer, and bang!"

" This ain't a joke, Ennis! For once, I ain't finding our predicament funny!"

" Predicament!" Ennis hollered angrilly, " This is a _fine_ predicament!"

" What would you call it? I ain't seen you, heard from you in a long time how am I supposed to feel, Ennis?"

" I dunno, a prom date maybe" Ennis muttered, turning away from Jack.

" Oh I see, you don't want to talk about it, do you?"

" Talk about what?"

" What I've been doing… what's been happening, after us?"

Jack stared at Ennis, as Ennis' eyes finally met Jack's.

_that I loved you more than you'll ever know  
a part of me died when I let you go_

Ennis seemed to crumble at Jack's feet as Jack rushed over to help him. He didn't mean for this kind of reaction nor was he expecting it, he was just so frustrated with the way their lives had turned out.

"_I ain't nowhere…. Get the fuck off me! I can't stand being like this no more Jack!" _

Ennis was crying as Jack's arms wrapped around him, as Ennis fought hard to get him off.

" Stop fighting it Ennis, for once in your life" he begged him, and Ennis pressed so hard against Jack's chest, he thought he would topple over, too.

_after all this time  
would you ever wanna leave it  
maybe you could not believe it_

Ennis daughter's car pulled away as Ennis walked back inside his trailer. His little girl was getting married. It was the strangest thing. He walked towards the cupboard, looking at the picture of Brokeback, as he slowly opened the cupboard.

_that my love for you was blind  
but I couldn't make you see it  
couldn't make you see it_

"_Ennis, I'm sorry!" _ Jack tried to hold him, as Ennis' nose bled. Jack's arm just reached his face, as Ennis's fist collided with the side of Jack's face. Jack fell over, and glared up at him, as a panting, angry Ennis glared at Jack. There was tension, there was so much between them. But it was just for them, no-one else. It was nobody's business but theirs.

_  
that I loved you more than you will ever know  
a part of me died when I let you go_

Ennis fingers entangled around the blue jacket, as he pulled it out of the closet. It hang on the door nob, swaying a little as his hands ran over it. Would there ever be another Jack in Ennis' life? He strongly doubted it. Would he ever find love again? He could only wish it. As he looked out the window to see his little girl driving away, there were many things in Ennis Del Mars life that he had lived without for so long. Now, as tears ran openly down his aged face, the old ranch hand's fingers clung to the only love her ever really knew.

"_Jack, I swear…" _

_and I loved you more than you'll ever know  
a part of me dies when I let you go_


End file.
